If your partner ejaculates sooner than either of you would like, you may be unsure what to say or how to help. This page is written for the partners of men with premature ejaculation (PE), whatever their gender. It offers ways to talk about it kindly, and to look after yourself too. It is general information and not a substitute for medical advice.
01
What he is probably feeling
Men with PE commonly feel embarrassed, frustrated, anxious or ashamed, and some start to avoid sex or intimacy. The International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) definition includes distress as a core feature of PE. Because of that, silence is often not a lack of interest. It may be worry about letting you down. Remember that PE is a recognised and treatable condition and not a reflection of how he feels about you.
02
How to raise it kindly
- Pick a calm, private moment outside the bedroom. Straight after sex is usually the wrong time.
- Start with how you feel about the two of you, not with a complaint about the problem.
- Use “we” and “us”. Present it as something you can work out together.
- Ask what he is feeling and listen without interrupting.
- Be honest about what you enjoy and want, and about what you do not mind.
03
What not to say
- Jokes or comparisons with other partners, or with what you have seen in porn.
- Blame, sighs or silence that he may read as disappointment.
- Pressure to “just relax” or “try harder”.
- Telling friends or family without his consent.
04
Practical things that help
- Take the focus off penetration and timing. Touching, kissing and other intimacy count too.
- Agree that either of you can pause or slow down without it being a problem.
- Be patient. Change often takes weeks, not days, and there may be setbacks.
- If he wants to try behavioural techniques, you can practise them together. The evidence for these is modest, so they are best seen as one option among several.
- Learn about the condition together. Our main guide to PE is a good place to start.
05
How to encourage assessment
Many men are reluctant to see someone about PE. You can gently suggest it without pushing, for example by sharing our page on when to see a doctor or the private self-check, which stores nothing. Offer to go with him if he would like that. A sudden change, pain or erection problems are reasons to see a doctor sooner. Support from a counsellor can also help, see sex therapy and counselling.
06
Looking after your own needs
Your feelings matter too. You may feel rejected, frustrated, worried or unsure whether it is about you. These feelings are normal, and it is fair to say what you need, as long as you do it kindly. If it is affecting your relationship or your own wellbeing, a couples counsellor or your own doctor can help. If your partner is not ready to seek help, you can still look after yourself while staying open to talking.